i had to take it apart before it would work

i love myself darkly.

At various times, people get interested in things that i’m interested in, and i act as something of a mentor to them—say, in photography, or linguistics. i’m not very gracious in it. The hardest thing for me is when those who were once my students begin to diverge from my vision. Especially if they’re good at whatever route they choose to take. And especially if they’re not good at whatever route they choose to take.

i haven’t been very good at the things that i’m interested in lately. i’ve taken some pretty pictures lately, but not really any pictures that mean anything. i’ve done fine in my classes, but the day that my academic life may be described as doing fine in my classes is the day that i need to leave the academy.

i used to want to bicycle around the world, or from Alaska to Chile. Or to follow the Majes/Colca from Camana to Cabanaconde, or Chivay, or somewhere up there. Or to go overland from Aplao to Cabanaconde, with a summit of multiple 16,000-17,000 foot mountains en route.

In 2008, i had plans to research and document aspects of the mining industry in Peru—from privately-worked small-scale mines near Choco to the brutal contracting situation in La Rinconada to the horrific mismanagement of Yanacocha. i ended up spending less time in the mines than i had in 2006, when i had no interest in the mining industry in Peru. i did not return to any of the mines near Choco, and i still have never been to La Rinconada or Yanacocha.

i spent a few days in Oroya in 2009. It’s not clear to me that i know how to find a story, at least quickly enough to make documentation a feasible task without a deep-pocketed benefactor and an internal drive that i haven’t had for three or four years. i want to fly to El Salvador this weekend (i could do it for under $1,000) to do some work in flood-stricken areas. i hope that some day i let myself chase such ambitions again.

i often fear that the vision that i share with others is inadequate. That those who have learned from me diverge from it because it isn’t good enough, or because i have been inadequate to share it rightly. Judging by the past three or four years, i wouldn’t be so sure that that’s untrue.

i’ll hopefully be going to Uganda in May.