coming

by many standards of should, i should be working right now, and probably for (minimally) the next 10--leaving aside the fact that those 10 are perhaps the greatest 10 hours which God provided to humankind for the purpose of sleeping. in 9 hours i will be giving my first lecture of a new semester of LING 1020: Languages of the World. in the meantime, i should be polishing up that lecture a little bit and panic-writing/revising two grant applications for lots of money with which to go to uganda and become nyang'i, or something like that.

i got lunch with the two professors from my undergrad department last wednesday. 'what will you do if you aren't able to get any funding to go back to uganda?', they asked once.

'well, probably before too long i'd just call it quits.'

they were a bit surprised, and i justified my statement surprisingly well, considering that it wasn't a statement i was particularly confident of when i made it. and it felt really good to justify it. it felt good because i was making an assertion. that assertion was that my identity is not entirely consumed by linguistics or by a particular degree. i would like to get funding, and i would like to do this research, but i'm not sunk forever if it doesn't happen.

the process has been frustrating and has gone too slowly. i got a late start, and a few things have happened that have made it hard to work on the applications. suddenly it's just a few days until they're due, and it's hard to think particularly clearly about either application, much less about my class.

'if you dont sleep, youll write a crappy proposal tomorrow'
--Nick Williams

i have a bowl of ice cream. i'm going to bed. early. i'll wake up a little earlier than normal and finalize my lecture. then i'll spend most of tomorrow finishing up my applications. maybe i won't get either grant. maybe i won't even get one or both of them submitted in time--i haven't submitted either one yet, so that remains a possibility.

but if i don't, that's ok. or at least the me that had lunch with dr. dylan herrick and dr. marcia haag on the 9th of january thinks that it's ok. and that was a pretty worthwhile me to be.

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on the way back! a time of reality and weariness. it is unlikely that the muze understood, and surely i didn't understand him. perhaps i learned a new word--perhaps one.

on the way back! feeling my face burn in the sun--so bright, so merciless, so real.

oh, white sign with your label 'longoletyanga'! there will perhaps be a car, maybe two, that passes as i walk. maybe i will be given a ride. maybe not. surely i will sleep for most of the next 48 hours.